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❧ oo1; a decision made
May. 31st, 2009 10:29 amToday I made the decision to change my major from Chinese literature to Chinese philosophy.
It was a hard decision, all things considered. I have always spoke of philosophy with passion and people were surprised when they found out I was going into literature. I went into literature initially because it was suggested for me to do so; Papa Ni and Dad Shang commented that I tend to view things in a much more sympathetic and artistic light, whereas philosophy is very analytical and much more rooted in logic. Shang had said that if I study literature, then I will be still able to read the great philosophical texts because they're involved in that category, they're still Chinese books.
But... I don't know. I was disappointed and it never felt right. But I felt they knew me better than I knew myself, so I should do what they said. However, I just... never was happy or passionate about it. I like reading poetry and novels, don't get me wrong, and yes I am good at literature. However, it just... never felt entirely right. And because it never felt right, I felt like I was going nowhere. When I dreamed of the future, it was a Ph.D. in philosophy, not literature.
That's when I realised that I was settling for less than what I wanted. And that is not okay.
I realise why Ni and Shang said what they did about me. They said it based on what they know of me. Do they know me very well? Yes. But they also have seen me at my most emotional. Because I love them so much, even in their classes, that's the side of me they see. I open my heart to them. They are my everything. However, because I constantly shove my heart towards them, they don't see the calm, the analytical that I can be. They don't know that I can be aloof (or even have been accused of being too aloof). They see a side of me I don't let many people see, and in a way while it's a good thing... it also wasn't.
I realise now that because I love them and admire them so much, I was doing what I thought would make them happy instead of what would make me happy. I didn't want to disappoint them, didn't want them to shake their heads at me and say, "You can't." I just went with it. And I am terrified of telling them my decision. I really am. I'm terrified they will shake their heads at me, tell me that I'm making a mistake. But I feel that I'm not. I really think this is the right way to go.
If I change my major on Wednesday when Wan Jing is in her office, I will study with Professor Yang Guorong in English. I won't have to worry about the HSK anymore. I will be free to study the thing I am truly passionate about instead of sitting in a classroom, wondering when we'd talk about Zhuangzi or Confucius. I will have my friend Kellen with me, starting this journey with him and we'll be in the same major for the same amount of time. I really feel that this is the right choice.
I just hope that I won't lose their love and support for making it.
It was a hard decision, all things considered. I have always spoke of philosophy with passion and people were surprised when they found out I was going into literature. I went into literature initially because it was suggested for me to do so; Papa Ni and Dad Shang commented that I tend to view things in a much more sympathetic and artistic light, whereas philosophy is very analytical and much more rooted in logic. Shang had said that if I study literature, then I will be still able to read the great philosophical texts because they're involved in that category, they're still Chinese books.
But... I don't know. I was disappointed and it never felt right. But I felt they knew me better than I knew myself, so I should do what they said. However, I just... never was happy or passionate about it. I like reading poetry and novels, don't get me wrong, and yes I am good at literature. However, it just... never felt entirely right. And because it never felt right, I felt like I was going nowhere. When I dreamed of the future, it was a Ph.D. in philosophy, not literature.
That's when I realised that I was settling for less than what I wanted. And that is not okay.
I realise why Ni and Shang said what they did about me. They said it based on what they know of me. Do they know me very well? Yes. But they also have seen me at my most emotional. Because I love them so much, even in their classes, that's the side of me they see. I open my heart to them. They are my everything. However, because I constantly shove my heart towards them, they don't see the calm, the analytical that I can be. They don't know that I can be aloof (or even have been accused of being too aloof). They see a side of me I don't let many people see, and in a way while it's a good thing... it also wasn't.
I realise now that because I love them and admire them so much, I was doing what I thought would make them happy instead of what would make me happy. I didn't want to disappoint them, didn't want them to shake their heads at me and say, "You can't." I just went with it. And I am terrified of telling them my decision. I really am. I'm terrified they will shake their heads at me, tell me that I'm making a mistake. But I feel that I'm not. I really think this is the right way to go.
If I change my major on Wednesday when Wan Jing is in her office, I will study with Professor Yang Guorong in English. I won't have to worry about the HSK anymore. I will be free to study the thing I am truly passionate about instead of sitting in a classroom, wondering when we'd talk about Zhuangzi or Confucius. I will have my friend Kellen with me, starting this journey with him and we'll be in the same major for the same amount of time. I really feel that this is the right choice.
I just hope that I won't lose their love and support for making it.